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Marking Michelle Obama's college thesis GRAMMATICAL AND OTHER ERRORS


In Part One, I examined Michelle Obama's college thesis.  I found that she appears to have been an angry, irrational and possibly dangerous person.  I also found that it's hard to believe she would've had the intelligence level required to graduate from law school, much less get accepted into law school.

While reviewing the logic behind her thesis' arguments, I began to mark her grammar and punctuation.  It was my intention to publish her grammatical errors at the conclusion of my review.  

However, her grammatical errors are so numerous that I've decided it's not worthwhile to record and correct them all.  The list of errors that I have compiled is very numerous, considering they were made on a short space of only five pages (pages 12 to 16).

Just imagine how many errors Michelle has likely made on pages 17 to 243!  It would be a lengthy task to record and correct her errors!

Now, I realize that people, including myself, don't always use proper grammar in everyday speech and writing.  However, when it comes to college writing assignments, especially a thesis, it is fair to assume that her grammar was very likely being marked!

So, let's see what I found!


GRAMMATICAL AND OTHER ERRORS

1) About the alumni respondents, Michelle writes:

"...the extent to which they are motivated to benefit the Black community in comparison to other entities such as themselves, their families, God, etc...."


This sentence is not well written.  Michelle's intent could be either of the following:

a) The extent to which the alumni are motivated to benefit the Black community vs the extent to which other entities are motivated to benefit the Black community.

b) The extent to which the alumni are motivated to benefit the Black community vs the extent to which the alumni are motivated to benefit other entities.


Grammatically, Michelle's sentence is horrible.  It's likely Michelle's intent was b).  Sentence a) wouldn't have made sense given her use of the word  "themselves".  However, that doesn't negate her grammatical error.



2) About the alumni respondents, Michelle writes:

"...and feelings they have toward the Black lower class such as a feeling of obligation that they should help improve the lives of this particular group of Blacks
"

There should be a comma after "class".  Although this error is not serious enough to eliminate the obviousness of her sentence's intent, the absence of the comma results in the sentence being far too wordy to be devoid of a break.


3) "...as more Blacks begin attending predominantly White universities it will be helpful to know how their experiences in these universities affect their future attitudes".

This should read "As greater numbers of Blacks..."

"More blacks" is an incorrect term.  "More" can refer to greater volume or mass, not just greater numbers.  Here's an example: "There was more water spilled on the table".


4) "In years to come if their attitudes do change, is it possible..."

One improvement would be to place a comma after "come".

However, the best improvement would be to change the sentence to appear as:


"If their attitudes do change in years to come, is it possible..."


5) "If there is a change in their attitudes to what might it be attributed?"

One improvement would be to place a comma after "attitudes".

However, the best improvement would be to change the sentence to appear as:


"To what might we attribute a change in their attitudes?"


6) "Will they feel any obligation as a member of the Black community to help other Blacks in particular who are less fortunate than themselves?"

This sentence contains multiple errors.  It should appear as:

"As a member of the Black community, will they feel any obligation to help other Blacks who are less fortunate than themselves?"


There is no need to use "in particular", since less fortunate blacks are already being singled out!  If you take "in particular" out of the sentence, it doesn't detract from the understanding of the sentence at all!


7) "I have found that at Princeton no matter how liberal and open-minded..."

This should appear as:

"At Princeton, I have found that no matter how liberal and open-minded..."


8) "Regardless of the circumstances underwhich I interact with Whites at Princeton, it often seems as if, to them, I will always be Black first and a student second".

This should appear as:

"Regardless of the circumstances underwhich I interact with Whites at Princeton, it often seems as if they will always consider me to be Black first and a student second".


9)
"These experiences have made it apparent to me that the path I have chosen to follow by attending Princeton will likely lead to my further integration and/or assimilation into a White cultural and social structure that will only allow me to remain on the periphery of society..."

There are multiple errors in the sentence, and it is far too long of a sentence to be devoid of a break.  This should appear as:

"These experiences have made it apparent to me that my choice to attend Princeton will likely lead to my further integration and/or assimilation into a White cultural and social structure; one that will only allow me to remain on the periphery of society..."



10) "This realization has presently, made my goals to actively utilize my resources to benefit the Black community more desirable.
"

This should appear as:


"This realization has increased the desirability of my goal: to actively utilize my resources to benefit the Black community".


There is no need to use the word "presently". After all, isn't it
assumed that her beliefs are her present
beliefs, unless otherwise stated?
Also, she incorrectly uses the plural of "goal".


That sums it up for the grammatical errors found among pages 12 to 16 (well, the start of page 16).  If I become motivated enough someday, perhaps I'll document the errors among pages 16 to 243!


Does Michelle Obama seem like a person intelligent enough to gain entrance to, and graduate from, law school?



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